We're Moving.

Somehow tucked into the seemingly warp speed pace our life seems to take, we have embarked upon another major life change. After 9 years in our lovely, old home, we are moving. It snuck up on me, which, I suppose is for the best. I can be incredibly, annoyingly deliberate when making decisions. My family and close friends know this about me. Thankfully as I get older I get better at doing it, but for the most part, when big or important or largely consequential decisions come our way I still fall somewhere on the scale between complete paralysis to "hesitant yet resigned immediately followed by second guessing and/or buyer's remorse." Add to the fact that I am fairly sentimental and prone to dislike change, and this could be a recipe for some tears and stress. I cannot deny, however, that God has led us through the past couple of months very carefully and gently.

When we bought our current house, it just fell into our lap. We weren't house shopping or looking. Ross' parents called us becuase they knew it was going to be on the market soon. We saw it and were able to buy it before it ever officially went up for sale. That was in 2000. 9 years, 2 remodels, and 3 kids later, we are moving out. I am very sad. I know this is exciting, but right now I am sad. I know that our real home and citizenship is with Jesus, but on this earth, right now, Meadow Lane feels like home. These old walls and creaky wooden floors hold alot of memories and sweat and TLC. I have painted and re-painted these walls many times. I have watched my kids learn to crawl on these hard, wooden floors and later listened as their footsteps echoed up and down the hallway. I have spent countless hours sitting on our porch in the swing enjoying our beautiful yard and I am sad that this chapter is closing. I know we are outgrowing this house. It is perfect for a younger family just starting out. I know that if we feel called to have more children (which we do), then we need a little more house. All of that is true. But it will be hard to move on.

I like my neighborhood. It's close to everything and to lots of friends. I love my huge yard. We have woods. In town. And I am officially leaving it. Every day is different in how I feel. One day I am so excited and can't stop thinking about the thousand ways I am going to make the new house look cute. But the next day I can't stop crying about how it doesn't feel like home or that I don't want to live in a new neighborhood. I feel a little bit crazy.

Our new house is huge. It is definitely a God-given miracle to us. For whatever reason, this really old, really big house was in our price range and we bought it. It's done. We closed on the new house last week. The house is in an older neighborhood in North Bryan. It's a really cool house with lots of character--the kind of house I like. It needs a lot of work. I need a lot of faith. I don't know how to do this at this stage of life. How does one fix up a house and move with 3 little kids? It seems impossible most days. I don't know how much time to spend thinking about the house and working on it and how to balance that with being present and "with" my kids. I also don't know how to deal with the unknown and things that I am not excited about. Some days I am even upset about all of it. Does that make me not thankful? I think I am thankful, but I don't know why it's so hard for me to let go.

I also don't know how to deal with the issue of permanence and time. I can't help but think about/wonder how long we will live in this new house. Is this it? Will we live here til our kids are grown? Until we're 70 years old? Or is this another transition? A 3 to 5 year house? Why am I even thinking these things? We haven't even moved in yet and some days I'm already on to the next home. And I don't even like change. I think this way and don't know why. Why do I need to know right now if we will live here in 3 years or 20? I don't think I should wonder about that, but I can't help it. I think about it all the time. It seems to affect how much I want to do to the house. How much money to invest into it. Should we save up and remodel the kitchen? If we're living here for 20 years, then yes. For 3 years, then no. I can't figure out how to see this house and how to invest accordingly. I don't even live there yet, but can't figure it all out.

So, that's where we're at. It's been a long time since I wrote anything on here, but lots and lots of things have been going on and are coming up. I want to catch up on writing about ...our trip to Colorado in August, Naomi's upcoming court date, more about the move, my kids birthdays coming up. Com church camp. All of that is in my head...not sure how much will make it onto the blog!

Candy-bops and Monkey-boys

Lately I have been especially amused at the words and phrases Sam and Jude say incorrectly. I think it's something all parents feel. I want to teach my children to speak correctly, using correct grammar and tense and pluralization, etc. But it's kind of sad when they actually stop saying words or phrases incorrectly. Sam, for the most part, has stopped although he has a few things he says wrong. Mainly, he cannot seem to figure out when to use "her" and "she". We know he is old enough to use those words correctly and that it would only take a few days of intense reminders, yet we aren't ready so we continue to let him say "her" when it should be "she". It just sounds cute.

Jude, who is 2, has more things he says wrong. But what's funny about Jude is that he actually talks very well for a 2 year old and he really wants to say words exactly right. So, if I correct him, he will study my mouth and my words and will usually repeat it exactly right.

Sometimes after I teach him the correct way to say a word, I will later "confuse" him (not on purpose) by saying the word back to him incorrectly. For instance, he was saying "pi-ree" instead of "pirate." So a few times I told him "it's pirate". Now he will usually repeat it back to me correctly. But the other day I said "hey, I'm a pi-ree" while we were playing and he says, "No mommy, it's pi-rate." O well excuse me.

Which brings me back to the point of this post: Candy-bops and Monkey-boys. These are two phrases that the boys say that I don't correct because, for the time being, I love the wrong way. I know that if I correct them, then it will be over and I'm not ready for it to be over.

Most nights after baths, the boys get this second wind and start acting crazy. I am not sure if it has something to do with being naked (because they do love naked-time) or if it's the realization that bedtime is approaching and they must do all they can to postpone the dreaded inevitable. But whatever the reason, they run to the bedroom at full speed and start doing "candy-bops" and "monkey boys".

Candy-bops are actually cannon-ball jumps off the bottom bunk onto the floor. They jump as hard as they can off the bed holding their legs like they are jumping into a pool and yell "candy-bop!" Then Jude's favorite is to grab the bars on the bottom bunk (the ones holding the top bunk mattress) where he holds on and swings his legs through. He is "playing on the monkey bars", but thinks this trick is called "monkey-boys." I feel like the name is completely appropriate for these 2 so I refuse to correct it. They are my monkey boys.

Our busy days...

Blogging for me has fallen by the wayside these days. At first, I felt some frustration/guilt/obligation to it. But now I realize that there is a season for everything and this season for me is filled up with an infant daughter I am still getting to know, an almost kindergartner, and a very strong-willed 2 year old with more energy than a rocket ship. Soooooo, I am giving myself a break. I do however want to list some of the highlights from the past month.

Sam learned to ride his bike without training wheels back in February:

Jude learned to ride a "big-kid" bike with training wheels in May. He watches everything Sam does and decided that the tricycle wasn't fast enough. So we let him try the big boy bike at my parents. He loved it after he got the hang of it. Now he is all over the place, racing Sam up and down the driveway.

Naomi started rolling over in February, sitting up in April, crawling in May, and now she is standing up in her bed and along the furniture. Slow down little girl. Be my baby for a little while longer.

Sam lost his first tooth. Thank goodness Ross doesn't mind pulling teeth because I can't stand it. It gives me the heeby-jeebies.

Jude got his first skateboard (which he's been asking about for months.) He won't ever wear shoes so his little feet look like they've been through a battle. I can only imagine what he will be doing in 12 years if he's trying to skateboard at 2. X-games anyone?

Naomi is eating all kinds of new foods and liking most of them except for peas.

Sam lost his second tooth. It hurt worse than the 1st one.
Naomi went swimming for the first time in Arlington.
Jude tried his hand at fingerpainting and took it pretty seriously. The End.

Some great photos...

We had some really fun photos of our family taken in January. True to form these days, I am just now posting them. Here are some of my favorites:

Milk mustache

Every once in a while I look at the kids and see glimpses of what they might be like as teenagers.

The other night I didn't have to look far to see it in Jude.

Jude at 2 years old, went to the fridge, took out a carton of milk and drank from it. He looks so proud of himself. I was so surprised that I just stood there and laughed. Of course, he now thinks this is a perfectly acceptable way to get himself a drink whenver he's thirsty.

A Wrinkle in Time

Well, chalk it up to having a new baby in the house, but I noticed tonight as I perused my blog that I was able to sit down and put my thoughts on “paper” 2 times in November, once in December, and once in January. Since it is almost the last day of February, I am pretty sure that I will also have one post for this month. It’s not that I haven’t had a lot to say. I have had plenty of things running through my mind these days, but time seems to be in short supply and there are so many competing priorities in my very full days.

I feel, to some degree, that our life is leveling out a bit, but at this point, I am guessing it’s all relative. I do feel that compared to 2 months ago, I am getting the hang of having 3 children and truly getting to know Naomi and the precious joy that she is to us.

One of my all time favorite books is A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle. She is one of my favorite authors, an author who can cross generational boundaries and appeal to every age in some way. A Wrinkle in Tine is one of her more famous books and I love the idea of time having a wrinkle. I picture time as a large sheet with a piece of it folded back. When I jump from one side of the fold or wrinkle to the other I am skipping over a large amount of space. I kind of wish that I could do that right now. Fold up time and jump to the places where I have unfinished business or the places where I might want to just sit and reflect.

As this is our 3rd adoption, I’ve learned a lot about the adjustments that are made along the way, adjustments that are inevitable when you get a child with so little notice.

One of the things that is always so challenging for me is how I feel so unprepared for our new little one. We have many friends right now who are pregnant or who have just had new babies. I have watched them prepare for their new little one…nearly nine months of preparations. Emotionally, physically, and house-holdedly, they are as prepared as they can be.

That couldn’t be more different from how I feel and felt 4 months ago. It’s just one of those inevitable differences that happen in adoption. Even when you are waiting and waiting and waiting for a match or placement, it’s not the same as preparing. Preparing is best done when you know you will most certainly have a baby in your home on a certain date. Those certainties are absent in adoption and therefore I was “unprepared.”

I have spent the last 4 months playing tug of war with my competing priorities and desires. On one side of the rope, I just want to completely relax and rest and enjoy my new baby. I want to allow myself the space to bond and assist my family through this life change. I want to stay home more and not worry about the usual chores and responsibilities. A sort of maternity leave. I also, however, want to “nest.” I desperately want everything in its place. I want Naomi to have a nursery with all her things and clothes that have been washed and organized and ready for her. I want to have cute bedding and feminine things in her room. I want to get the boys into a room together and make their room fun with bunk beds and all their toys. I want to change our office, our living room, our dining room, our hallway, etc. I am bursting with ideas and ways to make our house more comfortable and special and unique. But it’s not ideal timing to completely rearrange your house with a newborn.

So my compromise is to do these projects at a snail’s pace. I do a tiny little bit every day, so little in fact, that some days I wonder if I will ever be done. But I am making a bit of progress on our home and I am enjoying our kids and making time for them. Especially with Naomi, I know that her first year will fly by and I don’t want to look back and realize that I missed it. I know that even as I feel impatient with my progress, I care more about cherishing these days with the kids. Before I know it Sam will be 6, Jude will be 3, and Naomi will be 1. I don’t want to have any regrets about how I spent my time.

One of the big changes that has taken place is that Sam and Jude are now sharing a room. This has been a huge, ongoing adjustment for me. Jude, as a baby in his own room, was an amazing sleeper. He would go to bed with no problem whatsoever. He started sleeping through the night very early. He needed little to no assistance or help and would sleep on average 12-14 hours a night. He rarely cried out or woke up in the middle of the night.

O how my life has changed. He started climbing out of the crib a while ago, but we were able to keep control of it since he was in his own room. A few weeks ago, we moved his crib into Sam’s room and that is when the circus began. He gets in and out of the bed multiple times a night. He receives many spankings and has been falling asleep at least an hour later than usual and waking up at least 1-2 hours earlier than usual.

Naps are the same way. This went on for a few weeks and then this past Monday, we put new bunk beds in their room. He was moved from the crib to the big, queen sized bed on the bottom bunk. We figured that there was no point in keeping him the crib since he wouldn’t stay in it anyway. All sleep struggles aside, they love sharing a room and having bunk beds. I can see that they are already getting closer and becoming better friends just from sharing a room. And they are eagerly anticipating Star Wars sheets for their new bunk beds.

Sharing a room for the first time.

I love that smile.

Sam helping me paint the new bunk beds.They love the new bunk beds!

My little boy's growing up...

The other afternoon we had some friends over to play with Sam and Jude. They were all in the driveway riding our various toys. I look over and see Sam messing with his bike. He has a wrench and it attempting to take the training wheels off his Spiderman bike. I said, “Sam, what are you doing?” He said he wanted to ride without the training wheels. I tried to talk him out of it because I was home alone with 6 kids and didn’t think it was the best time to be trying something like that. But he was so excited and sure of himself and so I let him take one of the wheels off. I was thinking he would need a lot of help, get tired of it, and wait for a better time when Ross and I both could be there to help. But he did great. So I come back a while later and he is taking off the second wheel. At this point, I am really conflicted. The sentimental part of me is frustrated that he wants to do this right now. Naomi is crying, Jude is playing in the driveway, and I have 3 extra kids at my house. I am thinking “I can’t help you or take pictures or video this and Ross isn’t here.” But, again, he was very confident and ready so I decided to let him try. He did it perfectly. He rode all around our driveway without falling off. I was amazed and did manage to get a small piece on video. He was so proud and excited and happy that I couldn’t help but feel a surge of happiness and love for him. It wasn’t the best timing but I am so proud of him.

boys

Lately I have been very intrigued by how 2 year old Jude is very different from the way 2 year old Sam was. Of course, most of this has to do with the vast differences in their personalities, but I am learning that some it has to with the fact that Jude has an older brother to watch and learn from. First of all, Jude talks non stop. His vocabulary amazes me daily, and I can’t believe how many words he knows. He usually speaks in complete sentences and more importantly knows how and when to be funny with his words. I’ve noticed he often observes the world around him as his audience, and I can see his brain thinking of what he can do in that moment to please the audience. He is the entertainer and we, of course, laugh.

Lately one of the things that I am pretty sure comes from having an older brother is Jude’s obsession with “bad guys”, guns, light sabers, and swords. Just as when Sam was 2, almost any object could be turned into a drum or drumstick, Jude can turn just about any object into a light saber. These are just a few of the things he has used to make a light saber depending on his mood:

Actual light saber
Sword
Stick
Broom handle
Pencil
Pen
Straw (one of his favorites)
Toothpick
Hairpin
Tiny piece of rubber (from a toy and is abut 3 cm long)
Paperclip
Penny

I laugh at him all the time at how his imagination is definitely not limited by his surroundings. He also does this little stance that I love. He gets his sword or gun or light saber and comes up to me and says, “bad guy” and then makes shooting, fighting noises. He wants anyone and everyone to engage him in battle and he doesn’t even mind if the battle is not fairly matched. Just this morning, he handed me a toy sword and got himself a straw and asked me to fight him. He was so serious and obviously confident in his abilities. And I think he won.

Midnight Musings

Well, these days my brain feels like mush most of the time. I rarely even remember I even have a blog, and when I do remember I can't imagine when I'll ever have time to/feel inspired to write on it. But here I am at 10:50 waiting for Naomi to wake up for a feeding. I could go to bed, but then I'd have to be awakened more than 2 times in one night which I don't think I can handle tonight. I'd rather just stay up until she wakes up, feed her, then go to bed.

I am so thankful for our precious kids. I know that when Naomi is a little older and I can get more sleep, I will be able to process even further what a miracle she is. Everything has just happened so fast that I think I am still in shock and survival mode a little bit. I find it strange to think that 4 months ago I was just going about our life with 2 boys and didn't even know about Naomi, and now I have a 2 month old daughter. That is some fast change. It has been a difficult transition for me, learning how to love and pour into 3 kids all day (and night) long. I really need to die to many more things, but my flesh is hard to train. I know that these trials are temporary and pretty soon I'll have the hang of things. The problem is that I know God wants me to die to my self-reliance. Yet, most days all I can think of is how I long to feel in control of my life again. I can't seem to make the leap into relying on Him. I do it occasionally, but also spend a large amount of time frustrated, impatient, and unsurrendered to these tests that come my way. I just need to lean all the way into Him. Lord help me do that.

Ok, so there's my late-night confession. I also wanted to put up some pictures of the kids. Since we got a rare few inches of snow on Wednesday, I took some pictures of the boys in it. Sam was ecstatic the morning it snowed. He immeditely put on boots, hat, and coat over the p.j.'s to run outside and scoop it up. He desperately wanted to make an apple juice "snow" cone out of real snow, but it wasn't deep enough. I told him to scrape some off our mostly clean railing and we'd try to make one. But by the time he filled up his cup, it was just an icy, slushy, and somewhat dirty mess. He couldn't understand why it didn't work. I told him that it wasn't real snow, but more like ice-snow (sleet) because we live in Texas. So later in the day when it began to snow, he was once again very excited. But then as we're driving home and snow is falling fast, he says to me, "so is this real snow or pretend snow?" I said, "what do you mean?" He says, "you know like the TX pretend snow?" I said, "actually this is real snow, even in Texas." When we got home he played in it til got dark and he was shaking from the cold. Jude, my usually fearless little boy didn't like the cold at all and wanted nothing to do with the snow..."is too code mommy" is what he kept saying.

Lastly, here is a picture of my little wide-eyed, wild hair girl!

Our little Naomi

As is to be expected, we are pretty sleep deprived around here, thus the lack of posts this past month. Naomi is doing well and we are slowly adjusting to a family of 5 and remembering the silly exhaustion that accompanies a newborn baby. But despite the crying and lack of sleep, we love her very much and are so thankful for her.